THE MAJOR CAUSE OF DIVORCE

I’m convinced the number one cause of divorce is not adultery, financial problems , or
irreconcilable difference. Those are most often symptoms of a deeper problem.

While these problems might be real, I believe there is a bigger issue.
The most common issue I see with couples who are struggling in marriage is a lack of intentional investment in their marriage.

While it’s a fair debate of which comes first—did someone lose interest so they lost intention or did someone lose intention so they lost interest—either way there is a key idea:

We can influence our feelings by
intentionally investing in our marriage.
As I’ve written before, our affections often grow toward our investments . Wherever we put our time,
money, and energy also ends up receiving our passion, interest, and affection.

Think about what this means for a marriage: you will generally feel for your spouse to the extent in which you invest in your spouse.

Your feelings are often far less about them and far more about what effort you have put into your marriage.
Obviously there are exceptions. Some people have made bad choices in who they married or the
spouse has made a bad choice in who they have become , but most of the time, we love our spouse
to the extent that we invest in our spouse.

Consider what this means: if your feelings of love are waning, they can be recovered. With some effort, intention, and energy, love can grow.

Every week I interact with marriages which are suffering. I am often like a triage nurse who observes the couple, makes an initial determination of the seriousness of their illness, and then gets
them with the right specialist so the expert can assist them with the issue.

As the couple leaves our initial interaction, I almost always give them
the same assignment: on the way home, retell the stories of your first date, how you fell in love, what
first attracted you to the other, what you love the most about each other, and what your dreams are of a future together.

This assignment serves the purpose of unearthing long-buried feelings and memories. Just by
recounting the stories, a couple is more likely to feel love for their spouse.
With a little intention, our emotions can drastically change.

Here are 5 things we can do every day which will
reconnect us with our spouse:

1. Pray about the specifics of your
spouse’s day.
Not only will this remind you
of the work of God in your life, it will also
require you to know the specifics of your
spouse’s day and will make you wonder how
their day turned out.

2. Always kiss goodbye and hello.
This is a physical and emotional connection which
serves as a reminder of the union between a husband and wife. Make it such a habit
that even if you kiss, leave, and return, you
kiss again.

3. Call, text, or email at least once a day
to check-in. 
You can update one another on
how the day is going. You can discuss any
needs for the evening and make sure
everyone is on the same page regarding the
schedule for the night.

4. Have at least 5 minutes of uninterrupted conversation. 
Whether it be first thing in the morning or the last thing at night,
relationships demand conversation. Turn off the television, put down the phone, and talk.
This might be more difficult with young
children, but find a way to make it happen.
Remember, if you were having an
affair you find the time to engage in that
affair no matter how busy you are, so make
the time for your spouse.

5. Hug for at least 30 seconds.
Before you leave for work or after you come home or as you go to bed, have an extended physical
embrace which reminds your body, soul, and mind of your deep connection with this other person. Studies have shown that hugging reduces blood-pressure, but it also connects you with the person you hug. Physical touch
must be more than just sex. By truly
embracing every day, each partner will
feel more valued and loved.

If your marriage requires anything, it requires
intention. To the extent that both spouses are intentional about keeping the marriage healthy, the
marriage will thrive. Apathy will slowly erode a marriage, but intention will cause it to continually grow.

KEVIN THOMPSON